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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24463387">Nightmare</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vesperione/pseuds/Vesperione'>Vesperione</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>PEIPHQ Shenanigans [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Black Friday - Team StarKid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Apologies, Autistic!John McNamara, Confrontation, Denial, First fights, Internalised Homophobia, John is stubborn, M/M, Nightmares, Oneshot, Standalone, anxious!Xander Lee, but is also part of a series, but makes sense if you read it alone, can be read as a standalone, xander is trying to help</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:08:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,105</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24463387</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vesperione/pseuds/Vesperione</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When John and Xander have a stressful day, and John asks Xander to stay over, what happens when John has a nightmare at 4:30 in the AM</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>John McNamara/Xander Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>PEIPHQ Shenanigans [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764349</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nightmare</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>spoiler alert: they don't have sex. </p><p>ANYWAY!! You will be thanking sunlightandstorms for the plot and for the next instalment in the series as well because it's amazing and i'm super happy about it, but it's 1:05 am and i published Darling LITERALLY at 1:04, and thats the book to read before this one,,,,so. BUT THEY cAN bE read as standalones</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>They hadn’t been dating for long at all. Only about three or four months. They hadn’t been open about their relationship yet, seeing as John wanted to remain closeted for the time being, and that was alright with Xander. He wasn’t mad about it. He’d go at the pace John wanted to, and they both made sure the other was comfortable in a relationship. They couldn’t get angry at each other, and remained mutual at work, but as soon as their shifts were over, they were found at each other’s houses, or in small coffee stores. John really loved his coffee, and Xander was more of a tea guy, but he drank it, so John didn’t feel alone. John was an outcast, Xander had grown to learn, and he wanted to help John fit in, but by being John’s boyfriend and John <em>still</em> having an internal feud about whether his feelings for Xander were feigned or the real deal, it was hard for Xander to help.</p><p>It was one particular evening and they’d both been working the longer shift from 5-7 with very short breaks. Their current project needed everyone to pay attention and to keep working, or else things wouldn’t get done and Earth would be at risk. This meant John was constantly under pressure to keep his team in order. He could see the stress on his boyfriend’s face whenever he went in to drop off a cure or a sample, and he wished he could console him, but he demanded that they remained professional at work as to not blow his cover about his sexuality. He feared that, even though PEIP was LGBTQ inclusive, as everyone knew, that his team would treat him differently. That would be a problem. This meant Xander couldn’t pull John into a comforting hug when he saw the small droplets of water on his desk when he walked in, and he couldn’t tell him everything would be okay either. It would raise alarm bells around the precinct, and it would worry John more, so he stayed in there for a minimal amount of time and comforted him at his house.</p><p>Today was one of those days. Xander had left to go home, changing out of his uniform, when he received an urgent call from John, asking if he could go round to his. Xander couldn’t deny the request, and he was over within minutes. He parked at the house and put his hood up to ease John’s paranoia they’d get spotted together outside of work and knocked on the door.</p><p>John’s place was <em>much</em> bigger than Xander’s was. Xander lived with his parents in a small red-bricked house in the cheaper parts of Hatchetfield, around the corner from Beanies and Sycamore High. Each room was very small and tightly packed with furniture, and there were two bedrooms, one for his parents, and one for him. They had their dog as well who needed caring for as well, and they tried their hardest, and the Lee family, though not the richest, were happy. Xander knew John got payed a lot. Well, more than he ever could imagine, but the size of John’s house only proved it. It was one of the bigger houses in Hatchetfield, one of the more modern styles. It had white walls and a slick black roof with a large black double door to welcome them. He had a garage and a huge driveway. Inside was very similar, following the black and white décor, but since Xander had came into his life, there was more colour than ever before.</p><p>After the sound of a door unlocking, Xander was taken by surprise when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, pulling him into a tight hug as his boyfriend closed the door and pressed Xander’s back against it, holding him tighter. Xander shook his head as he looked down to him. John had also changed out of his uniform but was in a loose-fitting black shirt and his work jeans. The general buried his head into Xander’s neck and Xander hugged him back. “I’m here, come on, do you think you can make it to the living room?” There was a delayed response, but a small nod came from John and Xander bit his lip. “Okay, take a few steps with me.” He said, assisting John to the spacious living room, where he sat them both on the couch. “I’d ask if you’re okay, but you were crying in your office when I went in earlier, I assume that’s why I’m here?” Again, another delayed response followed before he felt John shift.</p><p>“Something got to me…it threw me off track…my paranoia kicked in….and….I’m so tired.”</p><p>“Hey. That’s okay!” Xander said and pulled away slightly, taking his hands. “It’s been a rough day for both of us. I understand if you want to go to bed?” John nodded again, gripping Xander’s hoodie tightly in his hands. “Alright. Have you eaten?”</p><p>“I…I ate when I got in.”</p><p>“What did you eat?”</p><p>“I just had leftovers from last night…” John’s voice was quieter than usual, scared almost. Xander nodded.</p><p>“I’ll make you something for when you wake up. Or I can go and get my mom to make us both something? I can bring it into work tomorrow-“</p><p>“Don’t go.” John said suddenly and they both took a few moments to register what John had said. Xander had yet to stay the night at John’s, and he wasn’t sure if it was too soon. “I mean uh…I’d like it if you stayed but you don’t have to….”</p><p>“If you give me half an hour, I can go and get my night bag <em>and</em> a meal for us tomorrow. Does that sound good? Will you be okay alone for half an hour?” Xander asked and pulled away properly. For the entire scenario, John hadn’t let Xander see his face, and that continued here.</p><p>“Yeah…half an hour…okay.” John said quietly again, missing the absence of Xander’s hand. He heard Xander leave, but hardly processed it. Things weren’t going to go good tonight.</p><hr/><p>He waited for the next thirty minutes and when Xander wasn’t back on the thirtieth minute, he headed to bed, feeling slightly disappointed. He was definitely stressed, and his anxiety was spiking more and more. He hadn’t realised that Xander had walked in a few moments before and put the meal in the surprisingly empty freezer. John zoned out and covered himself with the duvet, not quite noticing Xander at the doorway until he walked over. “Here you are.” Xander said, smiling gently, his bag on his shoulder. John jumped slightly but looked over his shoulder, a small smile appearing.</p><p>“You came back.”</p><p>“Like I said I would.” He said and pressed a light kiss to John’s forehead. “I’m going to get changed, okay? And I’ll come and join you in bed straight after. Does that sound good?” John nodded, allowing Xander to grab the things he needed from his bag and change.</p><p>Xander came back a few minutes later, zipping his bag back up. He folded the covers back and climbed into bed beside John. Things were awkward as neither had really allowed the other to see them this vulnerable before, but Xander broke the barrier. He turned on his side and looked at John. “Come here,” he said softly, and John looked up to him for the first time that evening. He swallowed and shuffled closer to Xander, allowing Xander to wrap his arm around him. As he did, he felt John’s tense body loosen. Xander smiled gently and kissed John’s hair. It was nearing the end of May, and there was a question biting at Xander’s tongue. He took a breath. “Hey, John?” He was met by a hum as a response as John looked up to him. “It…it’s June next month, and I know you aren’t out yet, but me and a few of my school friends from college, we’ll be attending the pride parades in Clivesdale and I was wondering if you’d…like to come with me?” His voice went higher pitched towards the end. John looked back down and closed his eyes, burying back into Xander.</p><p>“I’ll think about it, and I won’t make any promises.” He mumbled, closing his eyes. That alone had Xander’s heart fluttering with hope. He couldn’t help but smile wider as he spoke to John again.</p><p>“Try and go to sleep. You’ve got me here this time, and I’m right here if you need me.” That was enough to send the general off to sleep immediately.</p><hr/><p>Xander hadn’t intended to stay up for that long. He’d gone on his phone, letting his mom and dad know he was safe and that he had his anxiety medication and similar things, and also to text friends. He’d checked the few social media accounts he had for different inspirations to keep his mind busy, before updating himself with the news, all while keeping John tucked safely under his arm. By the time he’d done his routine checks, it was 4:37 AM, and he noticed John beginning to stir violently beside him. He put his phone down and flicked on the lamp, gently shaking him. “John- John, hey, come on, wake up.” He spoke quietly as he watched John wake up, sitting bolt upright. Even in the dark, he could see how wide John’s pupils were combined with the tears that were quickly forming in his eyes. Xander sat up as well and wrapped his arms around John, feeling how tense he was. “It was just a dream.”</p><p>“No!” John sobbed, close to distraught.</p><p>“It was just a dream. You’re safe.”</p><p>“I can’t breathe!” John said, fighting against Xander’s arms.</p><p>“John, it’s okay, it’s Xander, and I’ve got you. I know you’re struggling, but it was a nightmare. It was nothing more than a memory.” He pulled John’s head to his chest, remaining still and gentle. “Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that.”</p><p>He didn’t expect for John to pull away. “Don’t touch me!” He burst.</p><p>“I’m trying to help you. You had a nightmare, and a rough day yesterday. It’s half four in the morning, let me help you-“</p><p>“You can’t fucking help!” John said and scurried to the furthest point of the bed that was away from Xander. “You don’t know me! You don’t know who I am or where I’m from or anything so don’t pretend like you can console me!” He said, his body shaking. “Why does everyone think that they can help me?! I’d have thought you’d have known better, <em>you</em> of all people, who should have learnt from your rant that occurred in my office!”</p><p>“I was just raising an issue in the precinct I thought could make the place morally better-“</p><p>“No, Xander! You were telling <em>me</em> how to run <em>my </em>precinct! Those three people I fired could have been innocent, and who knows?! Maybe you were just being an overdramatic, attention-seeking whore like you were in college!”</p><p>The words stung Xander more than he can ever imagine. He bit down on his tongue and closed his eyes. Xander hadn’t been the proudest person in college, but he certainly picked up a lot of guys because of his looks. He thought it was the cool thing to do back then, but looking back on it, he realised it was quite the opposite, and he chose to keep that part of him hidden and buried deep down. He was ashamed of who he once was, and for John to bring it back up… “You don’t mean that, I know you couldn’t have.”</p><p>“And who are you to tell me how I speak? How are you the one to suddenly know all the answers to all the problems <em>I</em> have, and how do you know what I mean or not?! It’s not as if <em>you</em> live in my head, do you?! No, because you’re so caught up thinking about your friends and your references and your professors-“</p><p>“I’m going.” Xander announced. His professors….college was a different time, a harder time. He didn’t know who’d told John about what happened between him and them, but he didn’t ever want to discuss it. He’d only tried to help, and hadn’t wanted a fight to occur, yet it had. There hadn’t been any need for John to bring up his past. It didn’t take an idiot to realise a memory like that did more harm than good.</p><p>“Fine! Go ahead! Leave! See if I care!”</p><p>“See if <em>I</em> care, John, because I tried to help you and you <em>know</em> the logical reason to the solution. You don’t have the right to bring up my past! It doesn’t take a fool to realise that, and you <em>certainly</em> are not a fool, as you like to remind the precinct! But seriously, fuck you, because I only tried to help, and <em>you</em> bought this upon yourself!” Xander said and grabbed his bag, climbing out of the bed and grabbing the remainder of his things, leaving the house, shaking from adrenaline and furious tears falling down his face.</p><p>Xander Lee learned from his past. Maybe it was the thrill of the moment back then, rebelling against his parents wishes, hooking up with men behind the schools, and rumours occurred some of these men were his <em>teachers, </em>which wasn’t true. He thought it would be cool….apparently not so much anymore. If he could go back in time and speak to his younger self, he’d tell him not to do it. He’d only regret it more, but time travel didn’t exist, so he lived with this debt that burdened him.</p><hr/><p>The day after, Xander was at work. He’d tried to sleep, but he couldn’t take his mind away. Was that all that John thought of him as? Someone to be used? He hoped not. He tried not to think of it, but when you were dating your <em>boss,</em> it was pretty hard not to worry that you were going to get fired. He was twenty-three and had only <em>just</em> been at PEIP for a year, and if he got fired, it would be very difficult to find a new job. He thought he found his place. <em>He thought he found his place. </em></p><p>Usually, when he was tired, he was very subtle and kept up his gentle giant act. Today was different. He was running on coffee, needing a strong dose of caffeine to keep him awake, and stress was building up. It got to break, but he didn’t stop working. His mind was in the workplace zone, and he was determined to keep that up. Everything was going according to plan until there was at a knock at the door. He sighed and went to tell the person to come back later, but the door opened anyway. He didn’t turn around. “Sergeant Lee, you need to take a break.” <em>That</em> was John’s voice. Xander scoffed and continued to work.</p><p>“I hope you realise, if you’re here to apologise, I won’t forgive you.”</p><p>“You’re not giving me a chance!”</p><p>“And why should I?!” He asked, dropping everything, turning to face John. “Why should I let <em>you</em> have a chance when you started shouting at me for trying to help you recover from a nightmare! But no, you had to drag up my past, didn’t you?! What for! Because there wasn’t any need for it, and I made it crystal clear when we started-“ he cut himself off. He wouldn’t expose them. He wasn’t that kind of person. “That I was ashamed of my past! And I get you were upset, but why the <em>fuck</em> did you feel like you should have done that?!” John sighed and looked him in the eyes.</p><p>“I…may have mildly panicked when I woke up this morning and realised what I said in the middle of the night…I understand you were only trying to help, and I feel guilty for what I said. I shouldn’t have said those things, and I’m admitting to my mistakes. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you…and I’m sorry…” John said. Xander took a few breaths, about to reply, but John continued to talk. “But I should explain why I said those things…I’ve never been loved. My entire life I grew up admiring these people my parents wanted me to be. Then I gained feelings on a boy and my world came crashing down. I was raised in a pure Christian household where I was taught people of my colour were superior in society, and that same sex relationships were bad. I’ve lived in denial my entire life and starting the…relationship…with you a few months ago was so scary because I thought I’d lose you and….I fear I may have.” He said.</p><p>“What are you trying to say?” Xander asked, his voice tired. He didn’t want a sob story; he wanted the truth.</p><p>“What I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry for hurting you….I know you won’t accept it and that’s fine…but the nightmare I had was that…you left me for someone else, someone better, because I know I can’t ever treat you as well as I want to. The nightmare consisted of you cheating on me during a mission with another agent, who I will not be naming, but while I was down, my parents appeared and….I won’t mention the second part…and this is me being honest, and I should have tried to let you help me…”</p><p>“But it isn’t easy.” Xander said quietly, averting his eyes. “John, what you told me hurt me <em>so</em> badly. I’ve accepted myself from a very young age, and me forming a bond with you was the scariest thing <em>I’ve </em>ever done. I woke up this morning with the belief I’d lose my job for trying to help you….I don’t think I can forgive you fully for what you said, but I’m accepting about 75% of your apology.” He watched John nod before he inhaled and looked back up.</p><p>“And another thing, Xander….I made up my mind. I’ll be going to the pride events with you in June.” He said and walked over to the physicist, cupping his cheek. “I’ll see you tonight.” He said, planting a kiss on Xander’s lips before he left the lab. This left Xander buzzing with many different emotions he was struggling to process, but any negative thoughts he’d originally had were gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>PRIDE MONTH PRIDE MONTH PRIDE IN QUARANTINE PARTY</p></blockquote></div></div>
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